Currently Listening So Long, Astoria By The Ataris see related

starting over new...

haven't been around for a long while; i'll have to start getting back in touch with people i knew before...

...kind of missed this whole blogging thing. its a new place, a new me...

lets see how it goes.

Currently Listening Congratulations...I'm Sorry By Gin Blossoms see related

i am reposting the following poem (probably only a few of you have read it) because it, like the collage above, reminds me of christa...and i find myself reflecting back, wanting to tlalk about the girl i knew as a sort of catharsis for myself and a dedication to her ...

...christa and i met in kindergarten and became the bestest of best friends. she was tiny, shorter than me (quite an accomplishment) but made up for it in confidence, bright yellow hair, and an incredibly loud voice. in school plays, she was always the narrator, striding confidently down the auditorium aisles shouting "hear ye hear ye" during "abe lincoln's life" as rows of adults tried in vain to spot where that bellow was coming from. for the next seven years, everything we did, we did together. our dearest ambition: opening the M&C Detective Agency (it didn't hurt that it rhymed so nicely) and over the years we managed to bribe all the tools out of our parents - tents, telescopes, microscopes, walkie talkies, countless notebooks, unlimited use of house and home for training sessions (obstacle courses, stakeouts, shootouts) we followed people, tried to sneak into a neighbour's house in the middle of the night (there were loud "suspicious" noises, the source of which was soon discovered to be the dobermans he set on us), climbed trees and fences, played bank robber barbie (with the bright pink convertible repainted with her mom's nailpolish so it was a better, less conspicuous getaway car), jumped on or broke almost all our parent's furniture in the process of "training", tricked our folks into participating in staged mysteries and were absolutely serious as we did it all. that was our Dream...

...Fun meant decorating christmas trees; sleepovers with cheese and crackers and a good movie; trips to the local farm for harvest festivals in the autumn; being joined at the hip at school; making posters and collages for art competitions; trips to wildwood NJ and the boardwalk with water parks, the beach, unlimited ice cream and the possibility of throwing up on innocent bystanders; digging through the kitchen to find the unhealthiest and most-sugar filled foods possible; eating her dad's amazing minestrone soup and hot buttered rolls at thanksgiving; trying the 87 pairs of stick-on earrings she owned because her mom wouldn't let her get her ears pierced; wearing said 87 pairs of earrings even though i'd had my ears pierced since i was 2 months old (it was an important show of best friend solidarity); picnics on the riverside - sitting on the rocks trying to make the flat ones skip and failing utterly; climbing on the roof of my house when it definitely was not meant to be climbed up on (we were always up for a good challenge) and having no clue how to get down; riding our bikes through the neighborhood and thinking about opening a magic show in my backyard yet unsure how to do that since neither of us knew a single trick (we were ambitious kids); doing the macarena on top of all the neighborhood fire hydrants every friday because...no idea how that tradition got started though after 5 years we had a group of twenty kids who came along each week...the memories are all vivid and incredibly intense, from that wonderful period of childhood before the teen angst and impending sense of doom (responsibility for your life=D) kicks in...

...she was truly a bright star, a kid everyone knew was going places. her personality drew you in and when you got to know her you realized she was unique - completely unlike anyone you had ever met before, full of energy and life. she believed in her ability to do anything she wanted, believed in it so intensely she made everyone around her sure of it too. i'm just lucky to have been there for most of the ride - through the competitions, speeches, book reports, tests, newspaper interviews and projects - knowing her not only as this amazingly gifted person but also as my best friend, someone who i know would have made an even bigger mark on this world and people's lives with every day. and if she were still alive i'm sure she would nod in confident agreement...

...christa m. adams (1988-2006) zhai helleva   

sunset and shadows

sunset tiptoes in on lightly shadowed feet,

a ballerina floating airily on the deepening horizon

pirouetting gleefully over mountains and valleys

boldly taking the stage above so many upturned faces

as they gasp, their eyes awake with the sudden knowledge

of true wonder in all its many fashions and forms

nd angels gaze down on her unstructured movements

as she dances by on delicate, mercurial breezes of color

tapping corners into the sleepy dimness before dark

breathing oranges and pinks into the sky on whispers

nd she paints streaks of gold in haloes around the sun

in bursts of wild, fierce energy and feeling, bright

stretching shadows to lazy, luxurious lengths

keeping time with the slowly fading rays of sunlight

nd moving her arms, she waves the birds to their nests

her long fingers guiding wide meadows of open flowers shut

conducting the world and gliding smooth to the rising music

of the light settling in anticipation along with the rest of us

and as she tilts her head with a lilting pale blue smile 

she takes a slight bow and retreats with the elusive light

captures the universe and holds it, for a moment purely enthralled

and leaves us waiting for the darkly sweet echo that is night

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- and hmm i was bored, but give it a click anyway =)

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having been tagged multiple times (its amazing how completely different sub-sections of xanga do these things at the same time), i'm supposed to write 10 things about my perfect lover. well - its my belief that you can have a lot of ideas about your "perfect" other half...physical details, specific character traits etc, but love is strange that way - for me, i'm pretty sure when i fall in love it'll be perfect as long as:

1. he understands me...my random quirks, why i do the things i do and the way i look at the world, the way i think...and can decipher my incoherent ramblings when i'm sleep-deprived (your ability to do so is really the mark of how well you know me)
2. he's a good person at the core, someone i respect (compassionate, not ignorant/prejudiced, open-minded, sensitive- or at least possessing the knowledge that he should try to be lol)
3. he loves me exactly the way i am
4. sometimes i look over at him and smile just because knowing him makes me happy  

and thats it, i think...the best part of falling in love is getting to know all the other details

oh and i tag...vanessa, katie, kt, cc, flavio, crystal, certifyblyisane...and i can't think of anyone else who hasn't been tagged yet

Currently Watching Dot the I see related

dream for me

she whispers to the passing breeze

and asks her wishes to carry far

closes her eyes and wonders why

we never seem to like who we are

she takes off her woolen coat and hat

and hangs them up on the corner nail

gets into bed and pulls the covers up

hoping that her prayers won fail her

and she the only one she can count on to be there

don trust in anything, don let your soul be bared

i know, she said i know it a burden i ask you to bear

but my dreams, theye only dreams in the end

not so heavy, my friend, not so heavy

so when i gone, when i leave?/P>

would you carry my dreams for me?

she dials the number and then hangs up

her fingers trembling until she built

the fences up again in perfect lines

and her head rests on the window sill

some days i wonder why i can get through

to the person sitting inside her room

the walls are glass but the doors disappear

when you touch her, its always too soon

and she the only one she can count on to be there

doesn trust anyone or let her soul be bared

i know, she said i know it a burden i ask you to bear

but my dreams, theye only dreams in the end

not so heavy, but so dear my friend

so when i go, when i leave finally?/P>

would you dream your dreams for me?

...darlin?dream your dreams for me

*in loving memory of christa (1988-2005) zhai helleva

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"dot the i" - my favorite movie starring two of my favorite actors gael garcia bernal and james d'arcy. everyone should check it out, its quite clever

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a new profile pic that reflects me in the mood you will most find me in - laughing or smiling (i'm far too easily amused) and i've been asked for proof so...[see above]...(1)just woken up from sleep, (2)playing a new song for my manager tj, (3)niki n' i looking down at something funny?

Currently Listening Who's Next By The Who see related

As the cold September morning dawns

Creeping in an uncompromising grey over frozen streets

He standing, his hand out and dirt under the broken nails

With a bleak stare sent out to the world, covering up and

Hiding the sadness, trying not to lose himself in the madness

And waiting?

With cold fingers and aching joints outstretched

Balancing choices on the tilted scale of his conscience

Unclear what is so wrong when nothing has ever been right

When souls are displaced in a cloud of callousness, some

Apologies whirring about a steady center, lights far away

And waiting?/FONT>

Currently Listening Mozart: Die Zauberflöte [The Magic Flute] see related

on the edge

for the longest time, i stood on an edge ?

hanging painfully by a slender thread

and wished for days when ignorance blessed

and childhood innocence kept me sane

laughter and light filled most waking moments

covering the cracks that sprang up in-between

and i didn have to leave the world of make-believe

to pretend to be the adult i shouldn have to be

for the longest time i held on by sheer will ?/P>

aching, bleeding yet determined to never let go

after the tears dried up, pretending i didn care

when the smiles held up, pretending the tears were never there

but finally hopelessness found me standing there ?/P>

looking down at a silent and unruffled dark sea

with the wind blowing hard, pushing me forward

as i sought once again those days of peace

days i didn know, wasn so angry all the time

when i didn feel isolated or quite so very alone

and hiding places were used only for children games

played between friends on sunny summer days long gone

for an eternity, i stood unmoving in silent thought ?/P>

remembering times i deliberately slipped yet failed to fall

surprised to find i could believe in myself at all

when even those despairing efforts had gone wrong

and so for the longest time, i stood on the edge ?/P>

my eyes on that final, simplest and easiest way out

and thinking of all i be missing if i cut that thread

i took one last, final look down and turned around

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both of yesterday's shows were great - my throat had cleared up, the unexpected cover of lifehouse's "breathing" went well and tj managed to record me parts of songs despite being more than a little drunk...its okay my friend, its the effort that counts =)